I have always been one for dramatics. Honestly. I own that.
For instance, one of my mom’s favorite stories to tell is about the day I was born. The nurse placed the bundle that I was into her hands and said, “Here’s your daughter. She’s very expressive.”
Her face lights up when she quotes the nurse every single time. Then it crumples to express confusion, and she goes on to say, “I asked myself how could she know that? She’s not even a day old?”
The story always ends with her gesturing toward me, who’s usually trying to figure out if it’s the 76th or 77th time I’ve heard the story.
“I wish I could go find that nurse and tell her how right she was,” she finishes.
Case and point. I am expressive. I talk fast and loud. I laugh when things aren’t funny, and I tend to overthink every single thing. I cry over the staged emotional moments during the reality shows on Bravo. I type out birthday and breakup texts in the Notes app of my phone so I can edit and re-read them at least seven times before I send them. You get it.
I’ll be the first to say that being someone who feels a lot and then proceeds to wear those feelings like they’re Marc Jacob’s 2016 Spring Collection is a bittersweet thing.
One of the qualities I’ve grown thankful for in it all is my ability to handle a lot. You may think that someone who is so emotional would crack under pressure, but not I.
I strive off of it. I thrive on full planners, long lists of leadership positions and stacks of social obligations. Committees, coalitions and orgs are my jam.
I wear busy well. I do.
I’m the same way with conflict. Passive aggression gives me emotional hives. If I’m upset, you’ll know. If we need to talk it out, I’ll be making that hotline bling within a few days…probably hours. I don’t like negative emotions or vibes, but I will take them on if it means addressing things and being truthful. Honestly, I think it comes from a desire to be in control. I’ve come to believe that if you own your truth and story, you take away anyone else’s ability to hold it over you.
However, I think I’ve created this culture within my own existence that prevents me from accepting and embodying peace and quiet. I think in my swirl of tackling tasks and pushing through life’s issues, I’ve lost the importance of knowing how to just “be”.
I have reached a spot in my romantic relationship where the fights and disagreements are all situational. There aren’t any looming groundbreaking issues lurking around just waiting to pop out with slurred angry words and hidden feelings. None of that. Just standard miscommunication and the inevitable annoyance of spending oodles and oodles of time with someone.
I got to a spot with my friends where I knew exactly who was good and golden to hold my secrets, and who was never meant to keep those types of things.
My heart wasn’t broken. My phone wasn’t blowing up with novel-length texts from some girl explaining why she was mad about the text she never got the night before to say we were leaving. I wasn’t dazed and confused about “what’s next”.
All I had to do was “be”.
With my flaws, plans and big hair- I just needed to “be”, and I didn’t know what to do with it.
I didn’t know what to write about it (hence my break from this space). I didn’t know how to stomach it. Just being still and breathing and accepting that maybe, just maybe, life is not intended to be an obstacle course of worries, problem-solving and just trying to make it. Sure, that’s a part of it. It’s not all of it, though.
That’s what I found.
I like to think that God kind of sent Peace to me. I like to think He sent her as the girl who’s patient, soft and kind…the one who sits two tables over just waiting for you to acknowledge her. She doesn’t barge in. She doesn’t tap you on the shoulder. She waits until you’re ready for her, and then she wraps you up with everything she’s got.
That’s how finding peace felt for me. I got it. I think I really got it.
I learned how to be still. I learned how to move without wondering what the counter-step for each step would be.
Just to be. Just to breathe. Just to take life as it comes and learn to thank every single star for the moments where there aren’t a million things happening.
I understand being a boss and working and grinding. I get it. I dig it. I’m here for it.
I have all of the “YAS” and snaps in me for it.
However, I think you should honor your peace and accept it for all of the magic that it is. While it’s amazing to be the kind of human who can balance it all, take on anything and slay a mile long to-do list, it’s also amazing to accept the days when you just don’t have to.
That's not to say that life will ever just stop; it won't. That's not to say there will come a time when struggle stops existing; it won't. Struggle can be good; it can build you. I think that it's important to discern what you need and what you don't...what will always be worth it and what never was.
Just know that if you are looking for something to stress about, reasons to hold someone's past mistakes against them or what could go wrong in any situation, you will always find it. Every single time. However, I can tell you from firsthand experience that life is abundantly sweeter when you live real big and diffuse difficult happenings and feelings when they come instead of seeking them out, or feeling like you're some kind of appointed warrior who's got to go out and box every last one.
Nurture you, honey. Nurture you fully and well.
With Love & Glitter,