So, here's the thing...I'm technically what you would call a "Christian". I have been my whole life. My parents had me christened in a church, I've been to numerous vacation bible schools and camps, I've been baptized and I have a Vera Bradley bible case that's soft and holds my own annotated copy of the Holy Bible. So, yah. I have been a Christian my whole life.
I started to truly get what that means in middle school, thanks to a good friend and a wonderful youth ministry. I sorta fell off in high school until my 17th birthday, which I spent in the Dominican Republic on a mission trip (let me tell you, it wrecked me to my core in the best way). Then college came, I found a church and sang the songs and prayed the prayers...and it was good. In fact, it was really good. But it wasn't until 18 (March of my freshman year), that my heart broke and I desperately tried to use my very human hands to put it back together. But the shards of it all kept cutting them up until they were rendered hopeless, and I didn't know what else to do but lift them up.
Since that day, in my freshman dorm room where I was punched in the stomach with the reality that my two hands weren't always enough...but that they don't have to be, things have changed in this little heart of mine. Not every day has been good. There wasn't a moment when every single thing got perfect and golden. I just got hungry. Hungry for my purpose and a faith and a relationship that provided the kind of love and hope that could fill a heart that had every earthly reason to have none.
So, it happened, and I've been working to satisfy that hunger (with main failures and victories) ever since. It's a big part of me; it's a big part of this Internet space of mine and it's here. Now. In this post.
And I've got a confession. I'm scared. I am straight up terrified to talk about this and lay it out in the open and get messy with this. What if I get it wrong? What if I don't make sense?
I have beein trying to write a post about my faith for months. So many months. I have typed it out, backspaced, deleted, scribbled out, undone and retried this whole thing more times than I can count. I have prayed for words and timing and realness, and although I am not ready and my stomach is in knots about this- I'm putting it out there. Because, to be really honest, if I have any hope of creating a thing that really encompasses my soul...if I really want to build a brand out of the things that make me "me", I've gotta come clean about the sole provider of whatever good I've got to offer this world- and that, my loves, is my faith in a God that's always been much better, kinder, more graceful and loads more beautiful than I've ever been...but who has chosen to love and wake me up every day anyway.
So, why God? Why Jesus? (And yah, that's a valid question. You're allowed to ask that question. You are.)
I guess because, upon further review, I realized there just has to be more than this. There has to be more to this whole thing than the stuff we're told will make us happy. Having the best job, coolest car, fullest pockets and the most fame was not enough to make some people want to be here. It was not. Being adored and put on a pedestal was not enough to make some people decide that this whole life thing was worth sticking around for. It wasn't, and we lost them. We lost them because they just couldn't anymore.
There is a hunger that our souls will find that can turn to darkness real quick if we don't find a way to satisfy it. I think most of us know that. That's why we search for things to throw into it. We search for boys, and hair extensions and vodka. We search for things that will numb us and give us a sense of worth and belonging. We search for things that will come and fill us to the brim and convince us that we're happy...that we're really really happy, and we've got all we need. But the issue with that is...boys get bored sometimes. Hair extensions and vodka cost more money than we've got to spend sometimes.
So, why God?
God because there's no low after the high. God because He shows up, and He keeps showing up even when you're ugly and sad and sitting in a pile of your own mess. God because there is nothing more amazing than the peace of knowing that you're loved and cared for, even through the thickness of your humanity.
God because, whether you want to admit it or not, our two hands are just not enough to hold it all together a lot of the time, and I can personally say from experience, that it is the most liberating experience to sit in the reality that they just don't have to.
I will be honest and say that I have struggled. I have struggled with trying to wrap my head around this whole idea of a "religion". A "religion" that's represented with a bar that I constantly fall under and a western stereotype that I just can't seem to fit into.
Can I be Christian if I like trap music? Can I be worthy of God stuff if I like distressed jeans and almost-black lipstick?
What if I don't like hummus, can't always find enough rhythm to dance in the rain and cuss at people who cut me off on my way to work? What if I can name all of the Real Housewives by city and neurotic glitch but can't recite the Beattitudes and have been a little too sleepy and heavy from a work week to make it to church?
To me, those questions are valid because I am a pleather-wearing, leopard print-collecting, "YASS GIRL" chanting, finger-snapping fool. I work in television, not the ministry. I take my coffee thick with hazelnut creamer and brown sugar crystals...not black. I am sassy and loud and sarcastic and awkward and fashion-obsessed. I don't look the way Christianity looks on Instagram, and I don't dress how the pretty girls who sing the worship songs on Sunday mornings dress.
But, here's the thing. Here is the golden nugget of truth and worth and value that I plucked up three years ago and have been running with ever since...
Jesus loves sassy girls too.
He just does.
Actually, I'm going to take it a step further and say...Jesus sprinkled that sass into the pot with intention, love and a (probably) smirk when he whipped us up.
I'm not telling you to believe in anything. I'm not even saying you should. I am saying, though, that my life has been cracked open, turned upside down and punched in the gut BUT also healed, filled back up and set back into a graceful place in ways I know I just wasn't responsible for.
God is not this big judgmental being that only accepts perfect people. He doesn't shame, persecute and write you off when you don't add up. It's not my place to tell you what to do or to speak for an entire faith. I can only tell you about my relationship with a God who has seen me through a ton of darkness and loved me through a handful of messy seasons.
There is value, joy, peace and truth to be found here, babes. There is. I have also found that there is redemption, forgiveness and the sheer ability to just say, "I failed today, and that's okay because tomorrow I'm going to just try again." There is the ability to know you're worth it every step of the way.
I have learned there are people that are walking in faith who say the sorts of things that could have only come from a God who loves you enough to speak to you through the people you love. He changes hearts, and He makes a way. He loves you hard, even when you're not searching for Him. His blessings are abundant, and His heart is kind and merciful.
So, why God?
God because he gives the kind of love that never ends, the kind of fullness that you can't find in the perfect guy, the highest salary or the most Instagram likes.
God because He sent Jesus to love and save you, and Jesus loves sassy girls too.
With Love & Glitter,