If I could choose a word to describe how I feel right now it would be “weary”. I wish I could say I feel inspired, or stimulated or something that deserves a fist pump or a pat on the back. But no. I’m tired.
It’s also raining, and I think I have a small, mild cold. Those things don’t help, but I was tired before the drops started falling and my nose got stuffy.
Fun fact: I’m listening to Adele’s album 19 as I write this, and the song Tired just came on. It’s on shuffle. Go figure.
So, here’s the deal. I recently ended (like really ended) a relationship that I’ve been pouring into for years. A relationship with a wonderful person who deserves the world and more. Someone who it broke my heart to tell that the world they deserved wouldn’t come from me, as much as I wanted it to. That was hard.
I feel far from home. I miss my friends. I keep finding spiders in my apartment. Gas prices are too high. My steamer keeps leaking water.
Pettiness aside. I’m tired. You get it.
What’s funny, though, is that in all of this tiredness…I found some words. Words for this space. I’ve said before, that as inconsistent as it may make me seem, I don’t believe in creating blog content just to do it. Especially the wordy stuff. I only write when there’s something on my heart to say.
After months of having nothing, I found something in this tiredness. I’ve actually found a lot of things, and (for the first time in a longer time than I’d like to say) I’m excited. But I’m starting here.
When you’re tired. When you’re weary. When the little annoyances add up. You need some things to hold on to. You do.
I want to give you five things to hold on to instead of crumbling when life gets rough because frankly, you were not made to crumble. You’re made of stronger stuff than that.
1. You will be given exactly what you need, when you need it. Trust.
In three days, one of my best friends will arrive in Montgomery on a small plane. My very own spunky, sassy package straight from Houston. We will twirl around this city that I’ve learned to call home for a night, then we will drive to Atlanta the next day to pick up another best friend from that airport. Another package of love and light delivered from Kansas City.
We will spend three days brunching, taking outfit pictures, shopping and shimmying. We will go watch the Queen (Beyonce, duh) do her thing. Then they will go home.
I will go to work for one day, then I will spend an entire work exploring Seattle and Vancouver with my mom. We will eat, drink, hike (yes, I said hike), laugh and soak in God’s handiwork.
The weekend after I get back from that adventure, I will go to Texas to celebrate another best friend’s first baby. A baby who will come into the world in a matter of weeks.
I did not know how necessary these trips would be when I planned them. No idea. I think it’s funny that, despite limited finances and limited vacation time, the Lord created the opportunity for a time of fellowship, fun, exploration, familiarity, hugs, celebration and new life at a time when my heart so desperately needs it.
What re-centers me is my people, laughter, seeing new places and celebrating. He is delivering all of those things in ginormous doses in a short amount of time RIGHT when I need it.
Do not ever doubt that the Lord is watching, preparing and showing up for you. He knows what you need. He will deliver what you need right when you need it.
2. It’s okay to pray ugly prayers.
My church is currently in a series about prayer. The book I’m reading talks heavily about prayer. Prayer is so important. It’s when you come face-to-face with God.
The most honest, transparent thing I can say to you is that I’ve had a hard time feeling like God can hear me lately. I come to meet Him, and I feel hollow.
Please note, that’s not a sign that God’s actually not there. It’s not a sign to throw up your hands and quit. Keep going.
Sunday’s sermon was on praying bold, big prayers. Breaking the mold of what prayer “should” look like. Praying honestly, from right where we are. That night I sat in my bed getting ready to read before sleep when I felt the urge to pray.
I sat in my twisted sheets with my hands lifted and shouted prayer. My nose got stuffier, tears were pouring down my cheeks and my voice cracked more than once.
I thanked God for walking through my valley with me, even when I didn’t act like He was there. I thanked Him for my valley because I’ve been told that’s where He does his best work. I told Him what hurt and thanked Him for already knowing.
I asked for healing. I asked for peace. I asked for more.
I told Him I was not afraid because He was there. I cried more when I realized I meant that.
I prayed Satan out of my home and thoughts in the name of Jesus.
I was trembling when I was done and needed, like, 537 tissues.
I’m sure my neighbors contemplated calling the police.
But I felt Him, y’all. For the first time in a while, I felt Him in my home.
I slept more peacefully and lighter than I had in a while.
Pray ugly prayers. Pray honest prayers. Create holy places for yourself. He will always show up.
3. A hot shower and some coffee
When it hurts and you feel heavy, don’t try to fix it all with your hands in that moment. Turn your shower on, prep your coffee maker, hit the Start button and take a shower. A long, hot one. Use your best smelling soap.
When you’re done, drink the coffee that’s waiting for you. Maybe it’s tea. It doesn’t really matter.
Sit in your cleanness. Sit in your freshness. Drink your warmth.
Make your move from a place of a fresh start and comfort between your hands.
4. There are books about this.
As much as your struggle and valley can be make you feel alone, the beauty of this whole life thing is that you will never experience an emotion that someone else has not felt before. When you are struggling, don’t run. Plug in instead.
If a book is too big of a commitment, that is okay. Read blogs. Find people who are pushing through, or who have pushed through tough things (literally everyone) and read their words. Reach out and ask questions.
I’m reading a book written by the blogger who inspired me to start my own blog. Her book walks through her fight. Each chapter ends with a prayer she wants you to steal. A majority of the words in this book are so spot-on that I feel like I could have written them. They feel like they were laid out just for me.
That is not an accident. It is not. Get strength from the fact that you are not alone in this.
5. It is okay to not be okay.
Go home early when you need to. In fact, stay home when you need to. Take care of yourself. Make yourself dinner. Order yourself dinner.
You can choose a book and some tea over a night out if that’s what will fuel you more.
It’s okay to take time, but don’t sit in your mess alone. Don’t isolate yourself.
Go to your knees. Pray.
Talk to people. Please come clean to people. Friendship is not just about someone taking pictures for you and dinner dates at the end of the workweek. Tell people you are not okay. Call your family. They loved you when you were 13 and rude. They will love you through this.
If you can’t call your family, call the people who have become family to you.
Keep praying. Let people show up for you.
Hold on to these things. Fight for yourself. Let God fight for you. He’s armed and ready.
You will come out better and brighter. I promise.
With Love & Glitter,
PS- If I can pray for you, please email me. Specific prayers, people prayers, etc. Tell me what I can lift up to the Lord for you. Even if you don’t know Him or aren’t sure you want to. This would be a good season to try it out, friend.